| LIFE. |
[04 Feb 2008|06:21pm] |
i feel like im under a lot of pressure to do the right things all the time and be super responsible and give up almost everything in my life that seemed even remotely fun. things that used to make me happy and i used to have a fun time doing are revolting to me now. i used to be wild and fun and exciting and accepting and crazy. now i feel like im turning into a conservative bitch. i come off like i hate everything now. atleast thats how i feel. during the winter im always busy with swimming and work, school, life in general. i was so busy this winter that i ended up giving alot of my closest friends the cold shoulder. i hate hanging out with people now becuase im sick of being part of all the bullshit drama and ending up in the middle. i fucking hate how i have to look at myself as some super responsible sixteen year old chick holding her own when i see other kids my age who are spoiled rotten and bitch and complain about fucking every little thing. i try my hardest not to complain and whine about anything, but sometimes it happens and then i try and fix it. i'm sick of agreeing with people whos opinions are fucking stupid and pointless. noone has a say in what i do with my life. the only people who effect me even remotley in any serious decisions i make are my mom and my dad. i used to not them know anything, and they'll never know anything about me that i dont want them to know. the only thing is when my dad found out about kevin my freshman year. otherwise, theyre completely blinded. my mom knows NOTHING. ive been in serious trouble with her once which was when she read my diary in like the sixth grade and thought i was being abused by my friends? that was so stupid.
i love being young, but im so sick of relying on my mom. she works her ass off for me, and theres nothing i can do... i honestly am so nervous to leave her though. shes alone and thats the reality of it. she has cocoa, who is just another expense to her... i try to do my best but it's not helping and i dont feel like shes happy a good percentage of the time that she should be. if i go off to school, i know im going to miss her so much. it's so hard for me to leave her here. i mean, i know i can come home and see her whenever, but it's gonna be alot of work to get home.
i just want to be a teenager and go out and party and drink and smoke and be wild like i used to, but i feel like i can't, because it's like everyone is expecting something of me. i can handle it, and i hate dissapointing people.
kevin just got back from holland and it has to be one of the hardest things he has to do. he was forced to completely change his lifestyle again, and if i could live next door to amsterdam i most deffinately would. he loves it there and i dont blame him. at all. good luck kevo. =/
sam marcoux is my rock.
i color on her with chalk alot.
=]
WHERE IS MY LIFE GOING. and when.
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[22 Sep 2007|02:26pm] |
i have a job now. after so many months ans years of saying i needed one, i finally have one, and now im looking for a second one. i lifeguard at the merrimack ymca, and it's okay. i work monday, wednesday, and firday from 330-6. the first day sucked. like, ive never hated something so much in my entire life. the second day was good, because i got to teach a class. which was sweet. a pike class, all three and four year olds. except this one chick, who was bigger than all the rest of them, jumped in, and knocked the wind out of me. it hurt so bad. friday was fine too, except i rode my bike again, and i got there like twenty minutes early, so i talked to Andy for a while, and he told me that he has lost 22 pounds in three weeks because he started running to train to be in the 5k. yeah. kill myself. i plan on following in his footsteps after years of saying i need to lose weight, and gaining more. always love that. but im not running a 5k. fuck that. he tought me how to test a pool, and what to do if the numbers are too low, or too high, or whatever.
i started culinary this year, which is swell. chef has us baking alot. which is fine. but sincew we've been in the kitchen, we neevr had any time to study for the safety exam. which was so gay. jesus christ. did you know that eggs, chicken, meat, bananas, and milk are all supposed to be stored at different temperatures in the same fucking walk in? YEAH. make that work. oh, and i worked my first event a couple weeks ago, and now none of the second year kids like me, because i walked away from my post for like fifteen minutes. and the kids got mad. but chef didn't find out. and if he did, he didn't say anything to me. i dont care. i love it. i was there for like nine hours, and i walked away for fifteen minutes. and now they hate me. baha. i really think i failed. like, legitamately FAILED the test. along with 99% of everyone else.
i need shoes.
after getting like fourty or fifty driving hours in, i finally went for my test, and passed.
woo.
now i need a car.
and a second job.
to buy one.
=/
if anyone is selling their car, call me.
peace.
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[03 Feb 2007|11:52pm] |
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my friends invite me to everything.
truly they do.
honestly.
when dont i lie?
i lie all the time.
yup.
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| "omfg. oh my fucking god" - mike. |
[18 Dec 2006|09:39pm] |
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dude. livejournal. hows it going. i havent updated in a trillion years. i dont even know where to begin. my classes are swell, i could do without english but such is life. my spanish would be better if i did any work in it, and my blueprints class rocks. i think im going to tell mr. ziniti to take his show on the road. he wouldn't even have to think about a show topic. hed just have to decide what lesson hed want to teach and start talking. its incredible. seriously; ive never been so amused. anyways. we're covering economics now and we split into groups to create an advertissment for something. something that will sell and make great profit. so, it's between ghett-o's or language candy. im pretty sure we're gonna have to do language candy so that we dont have to offend the native americans. you know. peace in the homeland and such. it should be interesting and i think we're going to record it so ill post it on here. im also swimming. im OBVIOUSLY new. and we had our second meet on saturday and i shaved ten seconds from my 100 free and so on the bus home from dover, i got crowned. =) i have a tiara to prove it. and today in practice i did a ton of starts and i did it right for once, and then i sucked again. so i have a bit of work to do. im wicked excited for this. im getting into shape, ive lost some weight. at the end of practice tonight, i was doing a warm down, and i did a lap in two breaths. it was sick. and then i thought i was gonna die of asthma. which i think im developing asthma. WOOHOO. i like livejournal. the format is new. and i figured out how to change my thingy-ma-bob. WOOOOOO. more later. practice at 530. goodnight.
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