LIFE.
i feel like im under a lot of pressure to do the right things all the time and be super responsible and give up almost everything in my life that seemed even remotely fun. things that used to make me happy and i used to have a fun time doing are revolting to me now. i used to be wild and fun and exciting and accepting and crazy. now i feel like im turning into a conservative bitch. i come off like i hate everything now. atleast thats how i feel. during the winter im always busy with swimming and work, school, life in general. i was so busy this winter that i ended up giving alot of my closest friends the cold shoulder. i hate hanging out with people now becuase im sick of being part of all the bullshit drama and ending up in the middle. i fucking hate how i have to look at myself as some super responsible sixteen year old chick holding her own when i see other kids my age who are spoiled rotten and bitch and complain about fucking every little thing. i try my hardest not to complain and whine about anything, but sometimes it happens and then i try and fix it. i'm sick of agreeing with people whos opinions are fucking stupid and pointless. noone has a say in what i do with my life. the only people who effect me even remotley in any serious decisions i make are my mom and my dad. i used to not them know anything, and they'll never know anything about me that i dont want them to know. the only thing is when my dad found out about kevin my freshman year. otherwise, theyre completely blinded. my mom knows NOTHING. ive been in serious trouble with her once which was when she read my diary in like the sixth grade and thought i was being abused by my friends? that was so stupid.

i love being young, but im so sick of relying on my mom. she works her ass off for me, and theres nothing i can do... i honestly am so nervous to leave her though. shes alone and thats the reality of it. she has cocoa, who is just another expense to her... i try to do my best but it's not helping and i dont feel like shes happy a good percentage of the time that she should be. if i go off to school, i know im going to miss her so much. it's so hard for me to leave her here. i mean, i know i can come home and see her whenever, but it's gonna be alot of work to get home.

i just want to be a teenager and go out and party and drink and smoke and be wild like i used to, but i feel like i can't, because it's like everyone is expecting something of me. i can handle it, and i hate dissapointing people.

kevin just got back from holland and it has to be one of the hardest things he has to do. he was forced to completely change his lifestyle again, and if i could live next door to amsterdam i most deffinately would. he loves it there and i dont blame him. at all. good luck kevo. =/

sam marcoux is my rock.
i color on her with chalk alot.
=]

WHERE IS MY LIFE GOING. and when.